I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
