I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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