If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
