You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
