I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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