in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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