the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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