Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
