Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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