my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
even my farts smell like vagina
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
