The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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