just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
