my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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