fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
