we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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