Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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