you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
