"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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