fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
