I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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