Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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