All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
