By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
i think i just lost a toe
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
