This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
