guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
