I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
