I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
