Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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