Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Randomize
