Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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