the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Randomize
