if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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