Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
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