Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
