My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
