I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
