The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
