I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
