singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
