My first STD was from a foam party
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
