oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
