YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
