This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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