i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
