I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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