My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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