I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
