I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
