I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Im part way to drunk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
