My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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