those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
