I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
